A MATTER OF SOME GRAVITY

I was camping at Bright over the Easter period, or "God's Own Country" as I prefer it. Whilst contemplating weighty matters, as my mind is want to do when not otherwise occupied with trivia, I chanced upon a rather unique and groundbreaking theory of gravity. My thinking ran thus:

1. We experience gravity as a force of attraction between two objects, for example, between an apple hanging precariously above the renowned noggin' of Sir Issac Prince of Newts, and the Earth.
2. When the fruit is ripe, the gap between it and Earth closes with scant regard for the Newtonian cranium in the breach.
3. We assume that the apple is falling to the Earth, but couldn't it just as correctly be inferred that the Earth is moving up to meet the apple?
4. If the Earth is round, which I understand to be the contemporary consensus on the matter, and if apples fall to Earth on all continents, which I'm prepared to concede despite my limited experience in both travel and horticulture, then the success of the Earth's unending quest for apples can only be explained by an expansion outwards in all directions - much like an inflating balloon (but not at all like a sponge).
5. Of course, if the Earth were expanding, we'd know about - and when I say we, I mean people who know about stuff like that.
6. But, if we were expanding at the same rate, and so were our tools of measurement, then we wouldn't be aware of the expansion.
7. Furthermore, the expansion is not just in the objects, but in the fabric of the Universe itself - so the spaces between objects are also expanding. This helps stop a really big Earth from crashing into the really big sun - which would be less than a boon for the theory.
   
8. Then I thought - but hang on! If the apple is attached to a tree which is being pushed outward by the expansion of the Earth, then the apple is moving outward with that same momentum, and will continue to do so in accordance with the rules of motion as described by the apple-addled Mr Newton. The apple would therefore not meet with the Earth unless acted upon by some other force.
9. Aha! But if the Universe is expanding at an accelerating rate, then the apple will keep moving at the momentum it had at the point of release, but the Earth approaches it faster and faster and faster and faster and then not so much. And we know that objects fall to Earth at an accelerating rate, so at this juncture the theory is fully intact.
10. At about this point I went public with the theory, to my dad, who looked a bit confused and expressed his own theory that I was talking absolute bollocks.
11. No to be deterred, I went to bed to mull further and ponder my prospects for a Nobel prize.
12. Then I realised that if the fabric of the Universe is expanding, then the space between the apple and the Earth will also be preserved.
13. And thus the theory died.

Subsequently I Googled the theory, only to discover that there have been many fools before me, and that my theory was neither unique, nor groundbreaking.

I now suspect gravity to be the action invisible lassos strung about us by Amazon women in alluring outfits. Curiously much more difficult to disprove.

By the way, I caught 8 lovely trout whilst away, and threw a few others back.

I also bought 22 books, which are already in the database.

I'm currently reading "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court". Very enjoyable so far.

Yesterday afternoon I saw "The Boat That Rocked", and then went to the Zappa Plays Zappa concert in St Kilda. It was most assuredly a display of most venerable istrumental virtuosity, such as is rarley offered for observance. It was a concert that I didn't want to end - but which nonetheless did end, and so I went home to bed.