THE MYSTERIOUS CASE OF THE MISSING CHILD

I spent today in Ringwood for meetings. I decided to make an early start this morning rather than stay over , as we had Danny and Jo over for a BBQ last night, and besides which I don't usually sleep well in motel rooms, so I thought an early start would be, if not desirable, at least less undesirable.

Wrong!

I didn't count on the traffic. One hour and twenty minutes along Stud Rd from the freeway to Ringwood. That's a distance of about 18kms.

So I didn't get the early start I'd hoped for, but that's entirely irrelevant to the story I aim to tell.

I had my phone off during the meetings, as any good employee should - so I was unaware of the following events until I was driving home. This is a true story . Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. But not very much, because I'm not sure anyone is sufficiently innocent to warrant substantial protection.

A lady I know, let's call her "Soozy", who is married to a charming and handsome young chap of about my general build and demeanour, and who works on Wednesdays - has a standing arrangement with her mother, let's call her "Jill", to pick up the kids from school on Wednesdays. Jill often takes the kids to Soozy's grandparents' house for a visit - which by all accounts is a lovely thing to do.

On this particular Wednesday, let's call it "tooday" - one of the children, a male child of 8 years with none of the personality traits of his charming and handsome father - let's call him "Konnick" - took umbrage at some perceived slight visited upon him by an undoubtedly well meaning senior citizen of direct lineage, and left in what can best be described as a "huff". Had this huff been combined with a puff, and had the aforementioned grandparents lived in a house of straw or twigs, then I shudder to think of how entirely catastrophic the situation may have become (by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin).

As circumstance would have it, the puff-less huff gave Konnick cause to desert the immediate vicinity in a manner rendering all attempts at subsequent location to be of no avail.

Quite the conundrum I'm sure you'll agree.

So, and this is a strange outworking of the tale which I'm yet to investigate further, Jill returned to her own domicile with the remaining child (let's call her "Jasmine" - everyone else does) in tow, to await Soozy's return from work. Upon arrival, Soozy was informed of the pariculars of Konnick's non-attendance, and panic, as I'm sure you have already surmised, ensued.

Calls were made to the local constabulary. Friends, Roman's and countrymen were enlisted to join the search. And I don't doubt there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Eventually, Konnick, employing a quite recent variation on Alexander Graham Bell's 1876 invention, made audible contact with Jill to advise that he was ensconced comfortably within his own abode.

So, a child too lazy to clean his bedroom, walked for 90mins, in the rain, in his socks, from one corner of town to the other, then climbed the balcony outside his parents bedroom, to find an unlocked door (if you're a burglar, rest assured it's usually locked ... to keep the crocodile from getting out and scrapping with the lion), and got inside.

The police apparently gave him a stern talking to, and Suzy (I mean "Soozy") made him ring all of those engaged in the search individually to apologise for the trouble he'd caused.

What a little bugger!!!